i used to be a writer

a poem

id kind of feel like writing
if writing was like knowing -
who i was and what i wanted to say
but i don’t *say* much
i just exist
stuck between the good old days
and the ones i almost missed

id kind of feel like writing
if writing wasn’t like outgrowing - 
letting the ink swallow up the people
i can’t move on from
but im not ready to give up these words
the only life-breath of old friends
that escaped childhood’s nest of birds.

id kind of feel like writing
if writing wasn’t like free falling -
into the deepest crevices of the self
and having to acknowledge…


***

I wrote this a couple of years ago and unfortunately I still find myself back in this same place of wanting to write but not being able to because I know it would mean needing to work through things I don’t even want to acknowledge.

I think finding this poem again was actually really helpful because it’s a small thread between who I am and who I used to be. The best part about reading a piece of writing is realising that somebody else has felt the same way you do and this brings a lot of comfort, even if you will never meet and talk about it. Just knowing that somebody out there has thought the same things you do is enough.

In this case, that person was myself. As my dear Robin Buckley said: “I was looking for the answers in somebody else, but I had all the answers.”